So, I am coming up on being married for quite some time now. I love every minute of it, my husband is always making me laugh, and my little girl just completes my world.. But, recently I have aquired some girl friends- ya know, girls that are my friends.. Just to be clear. Although, I guess saying girlfriend wouldn't be too far fetched. One friend imparticular, We will call her Anna, is bisexual. Anna knows I am married, she is married as well, and we have spoken on several occasions of possibly having a relationship.

Mind you, neither one of us wants to leave our spouses, and we both have children, so working out the details was something we had avoided.. Untill recently, we have been talking seriously about possibility. That is... Untill I went to visit Anna.. We watched a movie together. As I was sitting there I realized.. I wasn't attracted to her at all. I guess I had been lying to myself for the past few months, because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know, that wasn't very nice of me to have lead this young women on.. But lets be honest, I wasn't fully committed to it anyway..

I will say however, I have standards I am sure you do. If I brush my teeth, shower, and dress a certain, I would hope the other person I am interested in, would have the same standards.

I felt awful, because during the movie, she dropped several hints that she wanted me to hold her hand, or put my arm around her... She even put her head on my shoulder.. I just couldn't bring myself to do.. I thought maybe I could just put my arm around her for the duration of the movie. But, I quickly realized that would be leading her on, and I didn't want to do that. Nor, did I want to set the situation up for kissing..

I am only bringing this up, because we both members of a private group on Facebook. Girls who like Girls, or something like that. Anyway, she commented on the page.. quote "Ahh, the feeling of falling for someone who doesn't feel the same..."

I know she is talking about me. I know that I have hurt her feelings. But, I also know that attempting to fill this open wound, will not help matters. Well, I guess they would. But, how do you tell someone who you have been friends with for over a year and a half, built fully on the fact that you wanted a possible physcial relationship.. that you are no longer attracted to them. Does this happen?! Or well, I guess it does, since many marriages go through this same thing..

I guess it's time to put on some bid girl panties and go talk to her.. 

Anna,

If you ever find yourself reading this sometime in the future.. Just know I love you as a friend, and I never meant to hurt you.

The elephant in the room

Confronting the elephant in the room... I basically avoided the dreaded thing for as long as humanly possible. Alright, not my brightest idea.. and lets face it, I don't encourage any body to live life like this... Don't get me wrong. I love my hubs, and I love the life I have, I just know, outside of this, I know my sexual attractions is to women.

I had an opportunity a few months ago to attend a party of a good friend of mine. She is a lesbian, I took the photos for her union ceremony to her partner. I love her. She really is an amazing person, and over come so much in her life. At this party she asked me to dance, and I tell you what, I have never danced with another women in public, or well, take that back. You dance with your girlfriends at school dances, and clubs, but this was me and her, dancing together. It was great, and the best part, I wasn't embarrassed or paranoid what anyone thought. Granted I was in an entirely different county and didn't know one other person at this party. But, still..

I know, I know, you're probably scratching your head and wondering, um, why would you live a life that doesn't allow you to be who you want to be? Look, I've weighed the pro's and the con's, I've greatly considered ending my current marriage in order to pursue my feelings. But, the thing that keeps me here, is the feeling I get when my husband smiles at me. Or how much I miss him when he isn't with me, and above all.. He truly is my best friend. He knows me better than any one has before. I meen come on, we can speak telepathically just like Lilly and Marshall in 'How I met your Mother"

I am not even kidding... lol, on so many levels is this our relationship. This is why I stay. This is why I love him regardless of how much I am attracted to women. Yes, we have a very active sex life. Come on, I like women, but I'm not a prude.

So, I hope that shines a little more light onto the whole situation, I mean if you were wondering.. Not assuming you were.. Just thought I would share before all the questions came pouring in.

Hello Puberty!

Yeah, that's pretty much where it started.. 6th grade, I started to notice that all the other little girls were just slighty more attractive to me. Of course, it may be that I was considered at the time a social out cast, and the target of many public humiliations.. and I tended to loath the majority of the boys in my class. Shortly there after I entered Jr. High, and things got even more interesting. I was a huge tom-boy. I could always be found wearing the same light colored jeans and the most hideous oversized sweater ever. I never did my hair, and makeup was far from my mind. This would be the time, I had my first sexual experience with a girl in my drama class, and since then, it has been a continuing battle to acknowledge my sexuality.

 I grew up in Provo til I was 14 and then we moved to Lindon, just 20 mins north. I attended high school, joined the drill team, did the normal things that little mormon girls do. Date numerous boys, encourage your friends to go on missions, you know.. the stuff good girls do. But, I was still putting on a facade. I lost my virginity by the time I was 16, and I started living my other life. I continued to do the things I should, dating multiple guys, and getting the grades I needed. But, somehow I still found the bad boys, and by the time I graduated highschool, I had been sexually active, and already had 7 partners to account for.

I was married shortly after highschool, my new husband was a convert, so we were married civily, we moved to a little apartment in Lehi, and started laying the foundation for our lives. But, my past caught up with me, and by the time we were married a year an half, we were practicing an open marriage, with multiple partners, and I was even seeing a couple of women. Close to our second marriage we decided to get our act together, and we went through the temple in March of 2008. As quickly as we rushed to the temple, our marriage was quickly over. Just a few months after my husband came to me, with a girl whom I had seen during our open marriage period. They were in love, and my husband was leaving me.

Needless to say.. I was shocked. Well. Lets me honest. I kinda had that one coming. Mixing two relationships is never a good idea. We were divorced in August, and I was once again single. This time things were different, and I acutally was being the good girl for once. I was attending church regularly, dating multiple men, looking for another chance to be happy.. to be married. I look back now in retro spective and wish I had taken more time to know myself, and be single.. But, by December of 2008, I met my current husband, and shortly there after we were engaged. I cancelled my sealing to my ex, and the hubs and I were hitched the following summer of 2009. I was on cloud nine!

Now, fast forward 3 years since I met my husband. We have one daughter, Little Missey. I love her. We live in a four bedroom house, two cars, one dog, and we are happy. My husband knows I am sexually attracted to women. lol, he knows that if we ever got divorced, or he were to die.. I would become a pacticing lesbian. But, for now. I am Jane, I am Mormon, a Wife, a Mom.. and I am a Lesbian.